2008

Since everyone seems to be looking back at the past year I thought I would do the same. Although mine wont be as colourful or eventful as some I've read.

Dad was in hospital in Febuary this year and I was scared, I really was.
He recovered and I left for Holland at the beginning of March to go to Uni for a month in Maastricht. I was scared to leave them after what had happened but my Dad told me to go because I've never had an oportunity like that before, and I would be an idiot to let fear stop me. I had such an experience. I made some truly amazing friends and saw some very interesting and uplifting things.

The best part was that I booked an earlier flight to come home and surprised James. It felt so good to see him after a month. I didn't realised how much I would miss him.

I passed my second year of Uni, not terriblly well, but I passed and got into the third year - which is what counts.

I couldn't get a job over the summer becasue Mam had an operation and I had to care for her and Dad. I was soooooo poor. I borrowed money left right and centre and I'm still suffering for it.

I went with James and my brother to the british superbikes in Donington just before Uni started back and I enjoyed it more than I expected considering we were sat in a half-tent for most of it sheltering from the monsoon.

Uni started back and I'm feeling possitive but also healthily worried about my Dissertation.

Christmas has been strained and different. I don't think it will ever be the same again. But maybe it's changing into a new kind of christmas, I spent a lot of time with James and for the first time in 4 years I saw him on Christmas day.

I'm at home on New years eve, as you can see. I got invited out by my friend Zara and she nagged and nagged for me to go, but I just feel like theres nothing to celebrate - not yet. new year seems like a time of looking back. Zara kept saying 'i just want to celebrate and bring the new year in with you' but you don't know what it will be like. How can you pre-celebrate it? I'd rather have an amazing night a year from now and look back at 2009 and think about all the things I never thought I would have done, all the things I achieved.

So heres to the future - to getting a house - to getting a 1st class degree - to getting motivated - to being healthy and happy - to drinking less - to smiling more - and to stop worrying about the little things I can't change.

Happy New year all! Hope it's a good one for you.

Lx

Asda - amazing offers!

Need I explain?

Every time I hear a motorbike I jump and think 'is that him?' then I look out of the window and it's a shitty chav on some 125cc moped crap. I should really learn what his bike sounds like. I wont see him until next tuesday now.

I've avoided blogging over xmas. I havn't been at all Christmassy and I know that it would have just been a page full of moans and groans about how I've had too much to do and I've done no homework whatsoever.
So this week I'm aiming to do a lot of work and ignore all the festivities because I'd rather sacrifice one Christmas if it means getting a good degree in a few months. A FEW MONTHS! Where is time going?? Right now this entire thing seems to be running away from me and I want to do so well.

I'm going to look at my journals today. rewrite a poem and e-mail it to Philip Gross. I'm annoyed with myself that I'm not taking advantage of the opportunity to work with him. I've really not done as much as I wanted and I don't like myself, my lack of motivation and drive. I'm like a meandering disorganised dreamer.

Ok. This isn't getting the baby bathed.

Domestic Goddess and her bendy cat ...

I have just made a batch of warm squidgy mince meat muffins. hmmmmm.
The entire house now smells like Christmas and for the first time I'm feeling ever so slightly festive. The only downside is that I put more than a generous slosh of brandy in the mix and I can't taste it. :(

I handed in my dreaded essay today and my less than perfect short story about Christmas. I changed it a lot once I had stopped crying, it's not the best, but it will do, it's only 5% of the grade so I don't mind so much.
I got to the HASS office and it was closed with a sign saying all assingments should be submitted in room D201. The 2 means it's on the second floor - I didn't even know there was a second floor. I got there in the end.

I thought I would include a pic of my flexible cat. She has been very strange lately.

I havn't really got the hang of this blogging thing have I?

So much has happertained. I have completed my Myth and Narrative essay. yay.
Father is ok. I'm taking him to the hospital tomorrow to have a good old chin wag with a nurse about his heart, how splendid.

Today I am drained, I've been stressing for the last week about my timed assingment - a piece of writing about Christmas, of all things, about 1000 words, but he didn't seem too sure about that. I hate Christmas at the moment and I've been stressing because the example he gave us was 'a Child's Christmas in Wales' by Dylan Thomas. Like I could get anywhere near that! OMG!
Something has been rolling around in my head for a while. My cousin said 'Christmas is always hard for anyone who has lost someone'.
And today it hit me, I'm moaning about Chrismas and how I'm growing up and it's all crap and pointless. but what if mam and dad wern't here for me to moan at? What would christmas be like? It's one of my biggest fears - losing mam and dad.
It's in the second person at the mo which I've been messing about with for a while, but I'm not sure it reads well. The problem with second person is that you are telling the reader this will happen to them. It's quite a universal topic that may sit ok with most, but my lecturer is a little difficult to please to say the least and I have a horrible feeling he will rip it to shreds.

Also because of the topic I spent an hour writing 894 words through a distorted wall of tears. But I'm glad I wrote it because it obviously needed to happen, because I'm not so worried anymore.

Lx

Just a quick one. I Finally got the pics of the Bike show weekend off James - and here I am in full flouresent glory riding a bike for the first time with both legs off the floor!


Needless to say, my mother was not impressed.

Hospital

Well, as you can see I'm not sat in the waiting room in the casualty department of the Royal Gwent. Dad had his way again and is saying that it is clearing and theres no need to go to the hospital. He has promised he will go to the doctor tomorrow and ask for more tests - which they would have done down the hospital, but we won't mention that.

MOVING ON

So, I have an entire day to write my essay! how spendid.

I'm so fed up of doing this essay I started writing something last night and its all backwards - I've never done it before. I have a first paragraph, probably one of the best I've ever attempted. Its a mother speaking to her child, its very open ended, interesting, it posses questions. The problem is I have no idea what the story is after that. It's like I'm the reader, not the writer. It's almost written itself so far and now its left me in the lurch. I had an idea at about 2am for what it could turn into, I remember having the idea and thinking 'yeah, thats great, thats perfect, I'll remember that and finnish it in the morning' but oh no, my brain hates me and I fell asleep on it, squished it and now it is lost forever.

I think this is the worst day Ive had in a long time.

Lets start with the underlying issues - I have a cold. I'm not dying but it's irritatingly persistant.

I have a Myth and Narrative essay due in 2 weeks (it was one week but I asked the lecturer to extend the deadline and he kindly obliged due to the fact that the last lecture is two days before the due date, which is just stupid).
The essay is excrusiating and I've spent most of the day staring at a bed covered with books that are overdue from the library but I can't renew them because someone else has reserved them.

I have just spent the best part of two weeks with my boyfriend during which we only spent 2 nights apart. And now he has gone home and i woun't see him until - well I don't know when because: I have a Dissertation timed assingment next week which will take up most of my time.

And here is the icing on my crap shaped cake. Dad is peeing blood (sorry to be minging) and the doctor said if it didn't clear by saturday night/sunday morning then he should go to casualty. Which means my essay writing sunday is now non-existant and I'm going to spend the rest of the day sitting doing nothing waiting to find out whats wrong with dad.

It just doesn't end.

Well, what an eventful weekend. The Carol Nash Bike Show to be precise in the NEC.

I am so pooped! I have never driven long distance before, I hate motorways and avoid them at all costs. This weekend however, car laden with potnoodles and crisps, I drove on the M50, M5, M42 and M6!!!! I feel like I should start a list and tick off every Motorway in Britain till I've done them all, but that would be incredable sad of me.

I'm mega chuffed with myself though. This time last year I would never have dreamed of going all that way. I'm such a nervous driver, well, I'm such nervous person full stop. But to top it all off I actually got on a bike and made it move with both feet off the floor and on the pegs. Several times infact. James' face was a picture. I don't think he thought I could do it. Actually, maybe he thought I could do it but didn't expect me to get off a bike rip my helmet off and shake my hair sexy lady style and have a big smile on my face.

I'm slightly worried about Uni this week, but there is no change there. I have a Myth and Narrative essay due on the 12th so I don't exactly have a lot of time to do it. I know i should have started it earlier but I never seem to be able to get my head into gear.
The writing is going OK. It seems like I'm edging towards doing one biggish piece for each of my Dissertation and Writing Culture and Society folders and then filling the space in each with smaller short stories. The biggish pieces arn't going to be so big though. I can never seem to extend a story for more than 4000 words. I'll have ago this year though. I'm starting to think bigger each time but at this rate I'll be starting my first novel when I'm about 45~ish.

OK, I'm going to go and do my essay. wish me luck.

Lx