Shuffle.... shuffle.... shuffle...

Over the past few days I have been reading through my past ramblings on blogs and I have realised:
a) How much I miss blogging.
b) How it keeps a record of things you had long forgotten.
c) How it changed the way I viewed the world around me.

I used to pay so much more attention to the things that were going on around me.
I don't anymore. I drag my heels through existance, lifting my head every now and then to acknowledge a passer by and then carry on staring at the floor as I shuffle along.

I'm at a point in my personal life where everything I ever wanted is coming true. We are married and I'm just over 6 months pregnant. I have never been this happy at home.

Work, on the other hand, is still a struggle. I still don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing. I'm taking every opportunity I can to further myself and it still seems to be getting me nowhere. This job ends on the 30th June. My maternity kicks in before then which is wonderful. At least I can have 6 months free of worrying about finding work. I have no idea what I'm going to do come January. I never imagined as a teen, that after getting an education, that finding solid enjoyable work would be so hard. I feel like I've done so much for so little. I nearly killed myself trying to finish my PGCE when Dad was so ill, trying to hold down a job in Sainsbury's and teach. I've been hourly paid since then, scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to get as much experience as I can. I feel like, two years later, I'm no closer to getting a perminant job than I was fresh out of Uni.

I'm contemplating a change. This seems to be a time of change. Why not go the whole hog.

The lid of life....

I have just read a very old post.... It read:


Today I licked the lid for the first time - purely on impulse. It was Cherry and fat free and oh so nice.
I've been very stressed about a presentation I have to give on wednesday about Celtic Myths and in that moment of cherry heaven I forgot about it.

Today I also planted a cherry tree in a pot and put it in a sunny sheltered place, I drank ooooodles of luchee juice and watched Heroes.
Today was a good day.

Why can't I have days like these anymore...... ?

Rightful place.

I decided to clean out the cupboard today
the one with the broken handle you never fixed.
The one you threw everything into - never to be seen again.
I grappled with the
spaghetti of indiscriminate wires,
pulled the useful from the now archaic.
I delved into the masses of papers that stuffed a corner
grabbing handfuls and rudely slapping them on the floor
and I saw you
staring up at me from childish eyes.
You looked elated
full of life.

I stuffed everything back in its rightful place
accept you,
you live here now – in my pocket
until further notice.