Sunday, 27 August 2017

Second wind....well 42nd maybe


I've started writing content for a local not for profit community project - Newport City Radio. They do fantastic things as an interactive independent community radio broadcasting online. They also have a stonker of a website which gives volunteers a chance to blog about anything and everything.

I'm hoping that this is a new start, a bit of a catalyst to spur me on to writing regularly. When I have someone else to answer to maybe it will feel more pressing. I'm hoping to get my skills and my confidence back and start writing for myself again.

My first 'toe-dip' can be found here where I briefly speculate over what will happen in tonight's final episode of season 7 of Game of Thrones.

Ta peeps.


Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Barren Land

Yeah, That garden didn't grow so well did it...?

2 years nearly. 2 years of silence.
2 years of only ever typing 140 characters,
or emails,
or heated comments on Facebook to other heated individuals where neither party has any hope of changing the mind of the other yet they continue to waste time and energy finding grammar errors in order to detract from each others arguments and make someone feel somehow lesser.

2 years of losing myself. of forgetting myself. of existing. shell like.

I've really lost all sense of who I am.

Work has carried on; I got a new job after the threat of redundancy and I am enjoying the new challenges and the new things I'm learning. But I'm tired. 2 kids at home and a husband who works 70 miles away is really taking it's toll. I can't stop working, largely due to the monumental cock up that is our finances. I need to work. But in amongst juggling school drop-offs, nursery, food shopping, cleaning a perpetually dirty house and sleeping I need to find myself again. These things are necessary but I'm drowning.

So, different journey - same destination.
Writing is therapy.
So let's write.....

Monday, 23 November 2015

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Suddenly

Athena
I glanced up and you were just looking at me,
expectant and curious.
Your eyes darted from my lips to my nose, eye-brows,
followed a curve to the side and down my hair.
I realised that I am as much a mystery to you
as you are to me.
All that empty space where I thought the love should be
filled up.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Where's my Map?

Lost my way again.

Getting married and having a baby and moving house all in the space of a year has taken over my life, in a good way.
It's nice to have so many things over with in one go.
We can settle now and actually get on with living, growing, for a change.

I do feel I have lost something in gaining so much.
I think I lost it a while ago.

I've done several of these 'I'm going to get back into it' blog posts and then you haven't heard from me again for a long while. So I'm not sure if I should decide this time to be all determined and make rules for myself or be all casual and whsitle while sneaking past it in the hopes of tricking myself into writing again.

The latter seems to have been the method so far with little result..... so rules it is.

100 words a day.

Start small, plant seeds, grow trees.

Friday, 30 March 2012

Shuffle.... shuffle.... shuffle...

Over the past few days I have been reading through my past ramblings on blogs and I have realised:
a) How much I miss blogging.
b) How it keeps a record of things you had long forgotten.
c) How it changed the way I viewed the world around me.

I used to pay so much more attention to the things that were going on around me.
I don't anymore. I drag my heels through existance, lifting my head every now and then to acknowledge a passer by and then carry on staring at the floor as I shuffle along.

I'm at a point in my personal life where everything I ever wanted is coming true. We are married and I'm just over 6 months pregnant. I have never been this happy at home.

Work, on the other hand, is still a struggle. I still don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing. I'm taking every opportunity I can to further myself and it still seems to be getting me nowhere. This job ends on the 30th June. My maternity kicks in before then which is wonderful. At least I can have 6 months free of worrying about finding work. I have no idea what I'm going to do come January. I never imagined as a teen, that after getting an education, that finding solid enjoyable work would be so hard. I feel like I've done so much for so little. I nearly killed myself trying to finish my PGCE when Dad was so ill, trying to hold down a job in Sainsbury's and teach. I've been hourly paid since then, scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to get as much experience as I can. I feel like, two years later, I'm no closer to getting a perminant job than I was fresh out of Uni.

I'm contemplating a change. This seems to be a time of change. Why not go the whole hog.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

The lid of life....

I have just read a very old post.... It read:


Today I licked the lid for the first time - purely on impulse. It was Cherry and fat free and oh so nice.
I've been very stressed about a presentation I have to give on wednesday about Celtic Myths and in that moment of cherry heaven I forgot about it.

Today I also planted a cherry tree in a pot and put it in a sunny sheltered place, I drank ooooodles of luchee juice and watched Heroes.
Today was a good day.


Why can't I have days like these anymore...... ?

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Rightful place.


I decided to clean out the cupboard today
the one with the broken handle you never fixed.
The one you threw everything into - never to be seen again.
I grappled with the
spaghetti of indiscriminate wires,
pulled the useful from the now archaic.
I delved into the masses of papers that stuffed a corner
grabbing handfuls and rudely slapping them on the floor
and I saw you
staring up at me from childish eyes.
You looked elated
full of life.

I stuffed everything back in its rightful place
accept you,
you live here now – in my pocket
until further notice.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Spelling List Poem

I teach a Communications lesson on a Tuesday morning and I'm just putting together a spelling list from the students errors from last week.


I read it.
And then I Read it.


Spelling List

around

accident

coller (bone)

grateful

important

pieces

properly

turned

wasted


Sunday, 25 September 2011

Amberleaf Angels

Amberleaf Angels

After TS Eliot

‘I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men’

They lean, quietly puffing,

on walls and fences

sporting pac-a-macs and flat caps.

I've seen the smoke that rises,

skims along the street on the light breeze.

It chokes and burns the throat

of the young girl at the bus stop

but the opaque clouds

of dirty lemon

hang and glide through the air

slow, free

and congregate outside the church

in an Amberleaf- Drum protest march

all the way down to the circle.

The girl splutters as it passes

and the haze disperses,
and a wisp of angels

rises into the ether.

I can solve all your problems

with a simple remedy of my own making.

Just sip this Nepenthe three times a day with meals

and over time the square patches left behind

by pictures will be covered by dark

oppressive modern wallpaper.

The pink towels stacked neatly in the cupboard

will turn a Bachelor shade of grey.

The ornamental vase that holds the gas key

and the radiator bleeding key

will better serve some charity shop.

The faint sweet smell in the air

will fade

and you'll wake up one day

in the centre of your own bed.

When I woke up this morning, you were almost here.

I stretched and my hand

reached over to you

and lay in the cold hollow in the pillow.

I could smell you on the sheets,

catch you moving in the air,

rising from the radiators

on convection currents.

In the kitchen, you'd left the light on.
The kettle, still throwing tiny spirals of steam,

sat innocently on the sideboard

waiting for closure.

Days like these

Days like these

when the fabric of time puckers at the seems

and tiny pieces of my future

seep

through.

I’m reminded of fragility,

and waste,

of the days to come

sat in waiting areas

praying to anyone who will hear me.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

I year ago today we lost Dad.
I'll find him again....but as is my nature it might take me a while.
Keep a seat warm for me Dad.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Well, sat in work wasting time until I have a lesson.
I've exhausted facebook and email and have resorted to writing dribble on the blog.

I've kind of been an aspiring grammar nazi over the last year. Mainly brought about because of my job and the strict criteria we have to follow to ensure students can 'use conventions' of syntax and paragraphing and 'the correct use of' apostrophes and commas.

Thing is, I can't do it. I don't know the rules. I don't see why there should be rules.
I have Dyslexic tendencies - which makes it easier to help students on a one-to-one basis by helping them develope coping mechanisms.

But on the other hand these people look up to me and say things like 'how do you spell abomin....abonim...abonimable......?' well, you get the idea. Miss is unable to help at this present moment in time due to a lexical computation error whereby I CANNOT SPELL!!!

So what if I can't spell. I'm not here to teach people to spell. I'm here to enspire them to pick up a dictionary and better themselves. I can do that.

Teaching has killed my love of language and expression. I need to change this.

Monday, 19 September 2011

I have renamed the Blog again. (And I have a new look)
It's mainly because I have lost my way.
So much has happened over the last year that I have lost myself.... this is my way back home.


I'm not going to bore anyone with details.
Clean slate.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011


I have a new man in my life.
His name is Bernard and he was abandoned by his owners when they moved home and looked after by the wonderful people at the RSPCA in Newport, S.Wales.
He gets his own way.... most of the time.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

Hello Bloggy world.
This isn't your average new year 'lets get back to it' return to blogging.
I've been away for so long because my Dad passed away. He has been ill for a long time and he had been in hospital so many times we had lost count. Dad caught another chest infection and then contracted pneumonia. We sat there all night holding his hands, just waiting. It was all my nightmares come true in one night.
He passed in September and I'm only now coming to terms with it all. It still doesn't feel real.
Also my beautiful cat lucky died a week later. We buried Her and Dad on the same day. I think she couldn't live without him. I feel like I've lost my sister.
So I'm hoping that spilling my guts in minute chunks on here will help a little. (Just realised how gross that sounds but I'm going to run with it)

So, here's to 2011. It's got to be better than the last one.


Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Hello blog world.
I have a the craziest few months.
Long story short I'm sat in work in a college where I teach waiting to find out if I have got the job that I've been doing since January. I'm bricking it.
I want this so much. I keep telling myself that it isn't the end of the world because I have offers elsewhere but I love the fact that it is a little out of the way. I love the students. I love the people. I love the content.

If I didn't want it, I wouldn't care so much and my legs would not feel like jelly right now.
Lx

Friday, 16 April 2010

My beautiful cat, Lucky, had all her fur shaved off this week because it got so matted. I feel so bad for her but it had to be done. So instead of showing you a pic of her now, this is a pic of how she should look. Puuuuurfect. :)